I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
