I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I've blown a few things in my day
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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