I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
