i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
