If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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