we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
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