I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
