I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
