Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
