Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Randomize
