I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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