im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
