Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
