for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize