I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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