Apparently you make a good broom.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Randomize
