Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
