if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
me + whiskey = a bad person
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Randomize
