I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
