If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
