Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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