She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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