Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
