if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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