he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
