god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
