Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
