I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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