I got chris browned last night
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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