question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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