she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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