when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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