It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
