she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
