mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
