I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
