you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
