someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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