god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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