He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
