The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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