her vagine was all disorganized.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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