i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
