so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
