Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
