If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
