after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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