I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
How does it feel to date your dad?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
