So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
