im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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