Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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