god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
