Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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