I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
