Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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