My friends, they love my intelligence
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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