I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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