he puts the penis in happiness.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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