Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
